In case you thought we were simply making things up for the benefit of a joke, coffee is truly getting worse at the same time it’s supposedly getting better. Today’s commercial flood of poorly designed home espresso machines marks some of these steps backwards. Other examples are more insidious, such as how the Nespresso machine advanced convenience while dragging coffee quality several years back down the evolutionary chain.

But if there are ever Nuremberg Trials for heinous crimes committed against coffee, the first death sentence might be issued to X Cafe LLC — a Portland, ME-based coffee roaster who is “recognized nationally as the originator of shelf-stable coffee extracts”: Inventive Coffee Roaster Changing the Way Americans Drink Coffee. Per the cited press release, “it’s all done with Bag-in-Box technology, long favored by Coca Cola and Pepsi for the soda industry, using post-mix dispensers.”

Yep. Because we all know that ice cream tastes better out of tubes — since that’s what the astronauts eat — this Starbucks-obsessed nation is going to love getting their coffee from a soda gun mix of concentrated coffee extract and fizzy water. Mmmm mmm mmmm mmmm mmm. To think I’ve been wasting all this time celebrating the moments of my life with the flavor of General Foods International Coffees.

French Vanilla Café, anyone?
If this is coffee, please kill me now.