It’s one thing for the likes of Starbucks to purvey their popular coffee-flavored milkshakes (double-tall, four-pump vanilla caramel macchiato, anyone?) — suitably designed for people who don’t like coffee, but want to play along anyway. But it’s another thing entirely when some coffee purveyors treat the beverage purely as a narcotic with no other redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Case and point with Shock Coffee and its ilk (i.e., Fusion Energy Coffee, Meth Coffee, and anyone else trying to make a buck of this dreck): Shock coffee is all the buzz. This is the malt liquor of coffee. Coffee becomes just a pointless delivery mechanism, so why not just purchase purified caffeine?

Trivia time! So who purchases white, powdery, purified caffeine, you might ask? According to Jay Endries of, here are the top three business consumers of purified caffeine:

  1. Johnson & Johnson — headache medicines go better with caffeine
  2. Coca-Cola — it’s the real thing
  3. Duncan Hines — yes, chocolate cake mixes so rich and so amped up with caffeine, you’ll be doing 2am laps after just one batch of our brownies

'I like my coffee like I like my women: tasteless and scary enough to wake the dead.'